What Causes You More Stress: Internal or External Demands?

For many, the demands we place on ourselves are the primary source of stress, and the rapid pace of change only amplifies these internal pressures.

High expectations can motivate us to perform well, foster creativity, drive personal growth, and help us achieve our goals. However, they can also lead to relentless pressure, dissatisfaction, and a fear of failure.

Several factors contribute to this issue, including unhelpful thinking patterns characterised by rigid expectations, where "should" and "must" cloud our perception of situations.

So, how can we maintain high standards while supporting our resilience and well-being?

First, recognise that although high expectations can be powerful motivators, it is essential to self-regulate with practices that strengthen resilience.

Here are four suggestions to help you with this:

What would be your advice to others?

Solomon's Paradox describes our tendency to give wise advice to others while ignoring it ourselves. When you face internal pressures, try to offer the same guidance you'd provide to others. Anticipating a presentation, instead of saying to yourself, “I must get everyone on board today”, try sharing the advice you'd give others, like, “You got this. Go out and do your best. " This approach, known as distance self-talk, involves substituting " I " with " You, " creating a mental distance that enables us to treat ourselves like others.

What are you choosing to focus on?

Most leaders believe they possess a growth mindset. However, the internal demands that can emerge when faced with setbacks, can challenge our perspective. In these situations, take a moment to reflect on your mindset. Where do you focus your attention during these challenging situations? Are you looking to the future with openness and curiosity, eager to learn from the experiences, or are you stuck in the past, judging yourself or others? Judging is a clear indication that you have shifted to a fixed mindset. Bring self-compassion to the situation to help restore your growth mindset.

What other perspectives could you consider?

When internal demands emerge, we can find ourselves having rigid expectations of how things should play out. It’s these expectations that can increase stress. To help self-regulate, mentally "game out" different perspectives. Start by imagining various ways a situation might unfold due to things outside your control. If you're personalising a negative outcome, ask yourself what else might be true? Consider the best, worst, and most likely outcomes in high-pressure situations. Broaden your definition of success, moving from rigid expectations to setting realistic and flexible goals.

How are you looking after yourself?

Finally, develop your self-regulation toolkit to manage these internal demands. Self-regulation is managing thoughts, emotions, and behaviours to help you achieve your goals and adapt to unfolding situations. Your toolkit may include a daily mindfulness practice to create the space to be less reactive, intentionally choose how you want to respond to your internal demands. Remember, you are not your thoughts, so consider putting aside time to reflect on these internal demands and transform ruminating thoughts into more resilient thinking.

Don’t give up on reaching for the stars. Pause and reflect: will I remember this situation ten or even five years from now?

What strategies do you find effective for managing internal demand